week 5: God, i love football

Week 6: AP and USA Today Top 25, courtesy of ESPN.

first thoughts:

    —if you're wondering why the best teams are highlighted, it's because they are my "favorites" on my ESPN account. ...and i don't know how to get it to stop
    —Notre Dame is gone and that is the reason i exist now
    —Northwestern keeps climbin' and that is excellent

OMG, so tell me what happened this weekend.

1. #14 Oklahoma beats #22 Notre Dame. 

it was so beautiful. i wanted to cry. how did we win? i credit Blake Bell (SURPRISE), and i'm pretty sure he's proved he can start every other game this season. OU made two interceptions in the first 3 minutes of the game. the rest was a piece of cake. OU moves up in the poll to #10.
you can say this:

"There go any chances of Notre Dame making it into a BCS Bowl. What an overrated team. They still have to beat USC, BYU and Stanford later this season." 

translation: enough said. Notre Dame is immensely overrated, and they simply don't have the defense to beat the big teams on their schedule, especially Stanford.

2. #9 Georgia triumphs over #6 LSU.

just like we thought they would. i'm calling it now: Aaron Murray for Heisman. the guy threw four touchdown passes, the last one with 1:47 left in the game. both defenses were awful, and there was a huge amount of back-and-forth in this game, but Georgia's offense was just ever so slightly better. it was a close one at 44-41.
you can say this:

"Tough game. And I feel for LSU; they have an insane schedule. It's kind of unfair." 

translation: because, like, it is. SIX teams in LSU's schedule are ranked, including #1 Alabama and #9 Texas A&M two weeks after that. it will not get easier for them as they get further into the season, and it will be interesting to see how their record turns out.

3. #4 Ohio State edges out #23 Wisconsin.

apparently no one can shut up about Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller. he's been gone for the last two games because of a sprained knee, but apparently that's not a big deal because the dude came back and made four touchdown passes. THIS MAKES ME NERVOUS FOR NEXT WEEK. Ohio State will be playing Northwestern in Evanston for NU's Homecoming. it will also be College Gameday. why did we choose OSU as our homecoming game? i have no idea.
you can say this:

"That's a 17-game winning streak for OSU. And I doubt Northwestern will be the one to stop them..." 

translation: i love my alma mater but we are not Ohio State. we are going to get killed. i'm sorry, everyone.

what are we doing next weekend?

#4 Ohio State at #16 Northwestern

dude, i'm nervous. we're going to lose. but if we don't, i will fervently deny ever saying that. and no one will ever fail to take NU seriously ever again. even though we're all NERDS

#15 Washington at #5 Stanford

wait since when has Washington been good? they have totally been under my radar. probably because my radar consists of OU, Notre Dame and Northwestern. ANYWAYS. this shouldn't be an issue for Stanford. but wouldn't it be funny if it was? i hate them.

#25 Maryland at #8 Florida State

not actually that interesting. but it's probably worth keeping an eye on Florida State this season. their schedule has been a joke so far, but they've got #3 Clemson, #14 Miami and #18 Florida later.

Week 4: literally zero surprises

THAT WAS SO BORING WTH?


Week 5: AP and USA Today Top 25, courtesy of ESPN.

first thoughts:

    —OMG NORTHWESTERN HAIL TO PURPLE HAIL TO WHITE
    —Fresno State? what is this world coming to

OMG, so tell me what happened this weekend.

well, nothing really, except my brother got married today. that wuz kewl. 

1. #22 Notre Dame beats Michigan State at home. 

GODDAMMIT WHY. all the Spartans really had to do was just effing try. they could have easily overcome the shitstorm that was the Notre Dame football team. instead, they got called for pass interference FOUR TIMES and a holding penalty while Notre Dame quarterback Tommy Rees had the worst game he's had all season. it could have been so easy, you pricks.

you can (and will) say this:

"Notre Dame has no chance against the Sooners this weekend, especially after their bye week."

okay, soooo that's it. what are we doing next weekend?

buckle up, bitches. it's gonna be a huge football weekend. maybe you can go to the mall. 

in order of importance:

#14 Oklahoma at #22 Notre Dame

i am fairly confident, both that i will not find a ticket to this game and also that we will beat the Irish. coach Bob Stoops has already announced Blake Bell will start as quarterback (i mean, duh), so at least we'll have some reliability against the Irish. unfortunately, this game is not in Norman, otherwise we would have this shit in the bag. i can't wait to show up to work next Monday.

#6 LSU at #9 Georgia

first of all, LSU should not be ranked #6, especially after its piss-poor showing against Auburn this weekend. LSU won 35-21. Auburn is unranked. i'm calling a Georgia win because Aaron Murray is unstoppable and i have a football crush on him. and also a real crush.

#23 Wisconsin at #4 Ohio State

this game is only important if you are a Wisconsin fan and are delirious. Ohio State is fresh off of a really rude 76-0 win against Florida A&M. but Wisconsin also proved itself against Purdue, beating them 41-10 this weekend. but that doesn't matter. both teams are dumb, Ohio State is merely better at football.

#21 Ole Miss at #1 Alabama

this could actually be interesting. even if Ole Miss doesn't beat Alabama (which it won't). it would still be satisfactory to see someone actually hurt Bama a little bit. Ole Miss just beat Texas, and i like that, while the Crimson Tide barely beat Texas A&M 49-42. all we need from this is someone to prove that Alabama does not deserve to be #1.

Week 2: Notre Dame falls, Texas disappears

i'm back. it's been a year.
what's happened since then? Kanye and Kim had a baby. that Glee kid Finn died IRL like seriously don't do drugs. some major shit is going on in Syria. i got a job and live in South Bend now hollaaa — NO. NOT HOLLA. I LIVE IN NOTRE DAME LAND, I HAVE TO DO NOTRE DAME STORIES. but i do love my job, no complaints.

Week 3: AP and USA Today Top 25, courtesy of ESPN.

first thoughts:

    —TEXAS IS GONE!
    —Northwestern looks so gr8 up there.
    —ummm why is Florida still ranked?

OMG, so tell me what happened this weekend.

1. #19 Oklahoma beats WVU at home. 

"A comedy of errors. For both teams." <--- the perfect description of the shitfest that was Oklahoma vs. West Virginia, courtesy of a FOX announcer (also a Shakespeare reference, for you tards).
both teams were a complete and utter mess, turnover after turnover. Sooners won, but only half by luck and the other half because WVU's defense wore down.
i got so bored i started eating.
you can say this at the water cooler tomorrow/on your date this week/to your fish because you're forever alone like me:

"Oklahoma's offense was really disappointing in the first half. That Trevor Knight is no Blake Bell. They should put the Bell-dozer in more often." 

translation: freshman Trevor Knight, OU's brand new quarterback, has been dynamic but unreliable in the first two games. back-up quarterback junior Blake Bell often makes running offensive magic happen but still has to prove that he can throw before they let him start. they put him in in the second half and he was beautiful.

2. #14 Notre Dame loses at #17 Michigan.

and like, not by a little bit. it was not a fluke. the score was 41-30 and the Wolverines were up the entire time. the game was basically a feast of the overrated — attendance of 115,109 broke an NCAA record. so delicious. Irish quarterback Tommy Rees threw two interceptions during some pretty crucial times. too bad this "rivalry" won't last — Notre Dame and Michigan have one last matchup next year here in South Bend, and ND backed out of the contract for any future games. i would say i'm supes excited for Notre Dame to play the Sooners, but they both suck.
you can say this:

"That Irish defense needs help. I guess Manti (MAN-tai) did more than just make up dead girlfriends..."

translation: Manti T'eo was Notre Dame's legendary linebacker. he was pretty good. he also completely fabricated a dead girlfriend (and Deadspin got the chance to act like they do real journalism yay!!!). now he plays for the San Diego Chargers and God i hope they make fun of him there. anyways, Notre Dame's defense is terrible without him and other seniors who left.

3. #11 Georgia beats #6 South Carolina.

huge SEC clash. ummm yeah so i'll be honest, i know little to nothing about the SEC because it's overrated. also South Carolina's mascot is a Gamecock, YES I KNOW, i've made that joke before.
all the credit goes to Georgia's quarterback Aaron Murray, who threw for four touchdowns. he's good. he's hot. i last wrote about that here.
you can say this:

"Did you see Murray's 85-yard touchdown throw? That's Heisman material."

translation: yeah, you read that right. Murray made a 85-yard touchdown throw to wide receiver Justin Scott-Wesley. i can probably throw three yards or so.

4. unranked Miami upsets #12 Florida.

AHHH HOLY SHIT! this is huge. even though Florida compleeetely outran Miami and had the ball way more, the Gators fucked up a lot with several interceptions and fumbles.
 you can say this:

"That's probably the best feeling the Hurricanes have had in 26 months." 

translation: Miami hasn't let itself play in a bowl for the last two years because the NCAA claims they did some shady shit over the past several years. they allege that a member of their Booster Club shelled out $170K to Miami athletes in benefits like jewelry, "entertainment" (read: strippers), travel, etc. that shit is super illegal and that dude is in jail for 20 years. the NCAA is still looking into this case, so there are no NCAA-imposed punishments yet, but two years without a bowl can make a team pretty roid-ragey.

5. unranked BYU destroys #15 Texas.

thank you, College Football Jesus. thank you for what you've blessed us with. this is just ... this is just so great. the Brigham Young Mormons Cougars didn't just run over the Texas Longhorns, they rushed 550 yards on them — the most yards rushing Texas has ever allowed from an opponent. Texas offense couldn't really respond much because their star running back Daje Johnson went down with an ankle injury, but their defense is what really fucked up.
 you can say this:

"I bet they'll be looking for Diaz's replacement." 

translation: Texas's defensive coordinator Manny Diaz's balls are probs being deep-fried right now. this game was probably one of Texas's biggest defensive fails in a while. head coach Mack Brown couldn't even give a straight answer when asked if Diaz would be coaching the next game against Ole Miss. sucks to suck, brah.

what are we doing next weekend?

#1 Alabama at #6 Texas A&M

this. this game is huge. say what you will about Johnny Manziel (here, i'll say it. the guy's a douche), but he and his Aggies beat 'Bama last year and are now on a seven-game winning streak. oh btw, Texas A&M is in the SEC now. in other words, more SEC circle-jerking. can't wait.

#16 UCLA at #23 Nebraska

Nebraska is dumb, the end. not watching this.

how i feel about OU's loss to K-State

post week 3 wrap-up

UMMMMM SO I GUESS I SHOULDN'T PREDICT GAMES ANY MORE BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT'S NOT OKAY

pretty ridic weekend of college football. in that everyone i wanted to win, did not. OU did not play so i went shopping. the end

AP and USA Today Top 25, Week 4

the weekend's notables:
1. #2 USC defeated by #21 Stanford, 14-21. i hate both teams but LAWL at the outcome. who would have thought a team that lost Andrew Luck would beat the team with Heisman-hopeful QB Matt Barkley? the USC quarterback threw two interceptions and got sacked twice. the game was pretty close overall but Stanford's fourth-quarter touchdown put them over the edge. game ball goes to Stanford running back senior Stepfan Taylor, who ran for 153 yards and two touchdowns. lol USC lol.
consequence: USC falls to #13 on the AP, #12 USA Today; Stanford shoots up to #9 AP, #11 USA Today.

2. #20 Notre Dame beats #10 Michigan State, 20-3. what the fuck is that? first of all, Notre Dame, pick a fucking conference and quit being annoying and also omg MSU cannot believe you let this happen. Notre Dame had FOUR sacks, which is just ridiculous. it's not even that Notre Dame had a great game or anything. Michigan State just ... really sucked.
consequence: Notre Dame now #11 AP, only #15 USA Today; Michigan State now #21 AP, #20 USA Today.

3. #18 Florida beats #20 Tennessee, 37-20 in a conference showdown. because i literally cannot get anything right. it was tied up all the way until third quarter, and then the Gators went fucking crazy. the Tennessee Volunteers (yes) were even leading 20-13 at one point, and their offense just stopped moving altogether for the rest of the night.
consequence: Florida moves up to #14, Tennessee now UNRANKED lol

4. #25 BYU loses to unranked Utah, 21-24. MORMON RIVALRY. BRIGHAM YOUNG LOSES. THE END


games to keep an eye on:
1. #10 Clemson at #4 Florida State. guys, secret time: i LOVE Clemson. i have no idea why. maybe i like that lil pawprint logo, so cute. SORRY TOM BUT I H8 THE SEMINOLEZ. if Clemson beats them this will be huge; the rest of their schedule is incredibly easy. FSU has been SHUTTING OUT their opponents in their last three games (they just defeated Wake Forest 52-0), but that's not saying that much lulz. prediction: Florida State 49-35 :(

2. #15 Kansas State at #6 Oklahoma. YEAH THIS IS MY SHIT. I WILL BE AT THIS GAME. cannot wait for an actual opponent in Kansas State. honestly, OU has been sloppy at this season's start, and hopefully we get our shit together and not only beat the Wildcats but score some style points. can't even talk. too excited. prediction: Oklahoma 49-14

3. #18 Michigan at #11 Notre Dame. NOTRE DAME GET OUT OF MY SHIT. not expecting much out of the Big Blue although i will say their schedule is really fucking difficult. although so is Notre Dame's. but i hate Notre Dame. k bai prediction: Notre Dame 30-14

2012 post week 2 wrap-up

i guess i'm gonna do this again because i'm at home and THERE AIN'T NOTHIN TO DO HERE

i also realize this is now week 2 of college football, nothing like being fashionably late.

pretty predictable Saturday of football yesterday. i'm gonna be honest, i didn't pay attention to any of the games because the OU game was on pay-per-view and i was like FUCK THAT

AP and USA Today Top 25, Week 3

the weekend's notables:

1. unranked Oregon State upsets #10 Wisconsin 10-7 despite the Badgers' having star running back Montee Ball (who was fucking ASSAULTED by three men last week, true story). credit goes to Oregon State's defense — Badger quarterback Danny O'Brien was sacked three times lulz. Oregon State cornerback Jordan Poyer had this to say after the game: "The sky is the limit for us right now." to which i have to say, no honey, it's not. you're the Oregon State Beavers. let's calm down and remember that.

consequence: Wisconsin gets dropped from the AP rankings (fair), but stays ranked at #22 on USA Today (nonsensical)

2. unranked Louisiana Monroe (wut who) defeats #8 Arkansas in overtime 34-31. omg wuttttt. first of all, LA-Monroe is not real. they are part of the Sun Belt Conference aka nothing. Arkansas actually led 21-7 at the half, and then serious shit went down — the Razorbacks had to take their quarterback Tyler Wilson out after he suffered a head injury in the first half, and offense slowed down with their freshman back-up quarterback Brandon Allen because freshmen are the worst kind of people. LA-Monroe swooped second half and scored a touchdown in OT for the win. 

consequence: Arkansas leaves the AP (yes) but is #21 on USA Today (once again wtf)

3. #22 UCLA defeats #16 Nebraska 36-30. what the hell, Big Ten? pretty close game throughout, but in the end UCLA got the edge by reading Nebraska quarterback Taylor Martinez pretty well. T-Mart had one interception but also had a 92-yard touchdown run which is pretty insane. 

consequence: UCLA stays at #22 on AP, #23 on USA Today; Nebraska dropped completely from AP  but is #24 on USA Today... wut

4. #24 Arizona swipes #18 Oklahoma State 59-38. LOL THIS IS HILAR TO ME. you would think OSU is struggling because they lost star quarterback 80-year-old Brandon Weeden to the NFL (jk he's like 30 or some shit), but no — OSU's freshman quarterback Wes Lunt threw for an insane 436 yards, a Big 12 record for a freshman. so where did the Cowboys go wrong? a shit ton of penalties kickstarted the whole thing: NINE penalties for 110 yards in the first half. gross. makes me happy. CONGRATS CHRIS KANG & CO.

consequence: Arizona stays at #24 in the AP, #25 in USA Today; Oklahoma State peaces out of both polls LULZ

in other news, Northwestern beat Vanderbilt (also, just look at this. plz. OH HAY TOM) so that's cool.

games to keep an eye on:

1. #18 Florida at #23 Tennessee. a fun rivalry sometimes called "The Third Saturday in September." Florida is hot off a tight win against Texas A&M (HAY AGGIES SUCK MY D) and Tennessee breezed through their first two games. prediction: Tennessee, 24-14

2. #2 USC at #21 Stanford. ew California, is all i have to say. obviously USC takes this one but their sluggish offense needs work. prediction: USC 30-24

3. #20 Notre Dame at #10 Michigan State. this actually really excites me (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, I KNOW. I SAID IT). i hate Notre Dame and i'm moving to Lansing, Mich. in like three weeks.  and Notre Dame legit struggled against Purdue yesterday. go Spartans! prediction: Michigan State 45-20

k, that's it stay fabulous and stay bratty. oh wait that's a different blog

NFL DRAFT 2012

the NFL draft starts in two hours. 

and if you don't know what that is, imagine sorority rush with a few key differences: there are 32 houses, and the totally awesomest girls get into the worst houses. instead of overzealous freshmen in heels for the first time you have the best college football players in the nation, and instead of being drunk together, you have professional football.

there's been talk about who will be the first pick (alpha pledge omg!!!) in the NFL, which is a big deal for no reason. for a long time people said it would be this guy, Andrew Luck:

remember me? i'm absolutely hideous and i go to Stanford

but now the chic thing to do is place your bets on this guy, Robert Griffin III:

i led Baylor from doormat to superstar

here's how it werkz: there are three rounds, but only the first round matters. there are 32 picks, or chances for teams to choose who they want. here's the order of who gets to choose players in what order:

NFL.com

the worst team in the league gets to choose first -- obviously, that's the Colts. my God they suck.
but picks get switched around, too. they're used like currency in the weeks leading up to the draft.
for example, the Rams were supposed to have the second pick because my God they suck also, but they traded their first-round pick to the Redskins in exchange for three other first-round picks and one second-round pick. doesn't sound that smart, but the Redskins obvi have their eye on someone spesh.

it's a fancy affair, with suits and sometimes moms crying and too many commercials. exhibit A:

all of you: call me maybe

T minus one and a half hours now. another post to come.

more bowlin'

less important bowls, but important ones nonetheless.


Las Vegas Bowl: Las Vegas, Dec. 22
#7 Boise State vs. unranked Arizona State — LOL BOISE STATE PLAYING THIS JOKE OF A TEAM. as much as i hate Boise State (this is why, no of course i don't hold grudges), i do recognize that they deserve to play a better team than Arizona State (are you happy now, Joaquin and Cam?). Boise State's quarterback, the ugly Kellen Moore, is the winningest quarterback in the history of college football - of course, a lot of that's due to Boise State having one of the EASIEST schedules EVERRRR. and this bowl is no different. should be an easy win for 'em. LOL AND according to the boyfriend, who is partying in Vegas right now, the Arizona State players are NOT taking tomorrow's bowl seriously and are just tryna get laaaaid.
pick: Boise State, without a doubt (at 35 confidence too, for you daily boys)

the next bowl worth watching isn't for a whole week almost:
Holiday Bowl: San Diego, Dec. 28
#24 Texas vs. unranked California — ohhhh Texas. what a nice end to the shitfest of a season you had. the Longhorns lost their last game to Baylor, so they're fresh off a disappointing end to their regular season. both teams are 7-5, but Texas is a more solid team.
pick: Texas by at least two touchdowns. CALLIN' IT

Champs Sports Bowl: Orlando, Dec. 29
Notre Dame vs. Florida State — two teams who got a lot of attention preseason and for their first few games, then blew the rest of their games. Notre Dame's quarterback situation is still iffy, and they may not play regular starter Tommy Rees.
pick: Florida State. they may have the same record, but FSU lost to more respectable teams (Oklahoma, Clemson) than Notre Dame did (South Florida, USC, etc.).

Alamo Bowl: San Antonio, Dec. 29
#7 Baylor vs. unranked Washington — definitely could have picked a better team to play against Baylor, but i guess that's how it goes. Baylor has Heisman-winning quarterback Robert Griffin III to bring home the win, which they will. Washington went 7-5 this season while Baylor went 9-3, beating Texas, Oklahoma and TCU.
pick: Baylor hands down, way to carry the Big 12 this year, Bears. cannot believe i just wrote that.

Insight Bowl: Tempe, Arizona (lolwut), Dec. 30
#14 Oklahoma vs. unranked Iowa — i don't even really know what to say about this. Iowa, really? i mean, don't get me wrong, i love the Hawkeyes - i was born in Iowa City! but let's be real, this is Oklahoma football. we had a rough season, losing to Texas Tech, Baylor and Oklahoma State, which makes me wanna slit my wrists, but the Sooners will be looking for a way to end the season on a high note. even though we're missing leading receiver Ryan Broyles and leading rusher Dominique Whaley, we've managed to do alright. OU quarterback Landry Jones needs to get his SHIT TOGETHER (he's thrown five interceptions and ZERO touchdowns in the last three games WHAT THE FUCK), especially if he's thinking about going pro this year. anyways, it's in the bag for the Sooners. even more so now that Iowa's leading rusher Marcus Coker has been suspended.
pick: OKLAHOMA BABYYYYYYYY


Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas: Houston, Dec. 31
Northwestern vs. Texas A&M — yeah sure i'll throw this bowl in the mix. not much to say, NU is no match for any Big 12 team. yay horrible bowl record. and yeah yeah yeah i have no school spirit blah blah blah. you wouldn't either if you had tried to be an NU fan for the past three years.
pick: Texas A&M. one thing's for sure, though, Northwestern will make it look like they have a chance at winning, then blow it all in the last few minutes. classic Wildcat football.

TicketCity Bowl: Dallas, Jan. 2
#19 Houston vs. #22 Penn State — wow, great matchup. good job, BCS, you got one right. Houston has a better record, losing only one game to #24 Southern Miss, BUT THAT WAS THE ONLY RANKED TEAM THEY PLAYED ALL SEASON. Penn State, in one of its toughest seasons to get through, beat teams like Iowa and Ohio State and lost to three ranked teams. not that impressive, but certainly better than Houston's schedule. this will be a good game between evenly matched teams.
pick: Houston. Happy Birthday, JoePa! hahaha no but srsly. sad sitch. Penn State will def lose.

Outback Bowl: Tampa, Florida, Jan. 2
#16 Georgia vs. #17 Michigan State — no clue how this will go. both teams are 10-3, with Michigan State taking the Big Ten title alone this year. but Georgia put up a good season too, losing only to Boise State, South Carolina and LSU. it'll be a game of the defensive teams, with MSU's defense ranking fifth in the nation and Georgia's ranking third. soooo probably a low-scoring game.
pick: tough one, but Michigan State. heart you, Big Ten.

Capitol One Bowl: Orlando, Jan. 2
#20 Nebraska vs. #9 South Carolina — the South Carolina Gamecocks (teehee) have never beat Nebraska, losing to them three times before. but this game may be different. if South Carolina takes this one, it will have the most wins in one season in school history. SC has the fourth best defense in the nation, but Nebraska's offense is pretty dangerous with quarterback Taylor Martinez.
pick: South Carolina, only because Nebraska lost to Northwestern at home lolllll.

Cotton Bowl: Jan. 6
#6 Arkansas vs. #8 Kansas State — could i be more bored thinking about this bowl? no. Kansas State sucks and shouldn't be ranked so high, although they did beat Baylor earlier in the season. Arkansas's season looks much better, losing only to #2 Alabama and #1 LSU, and no one blames them. Arkansas will be able to pass all over K-State, but KSU's quarterback Collin Klein has the school's record for highest rushing yards. so it's all up to whichever team can stop the passing and the running games.
pick: Arkansas. i just don't see a good team in Kansas State.

bowlin'

we are now entering BOWL SEASON, a glorious time in which every football game from here til january is the team's last of the season. bowls determine each team's last standing of the season, so they're pretty important and fun to watch.
any Division I football team is eligible to play in a bowl game if it has won at least 6 games in its regular season and has a winning record. sounds easy, but then again, Northwestern barely made it this year. i'm biased because Oklahoma has gone to a bowl every season since i started being an OU fan, so bowls aren't a big deal to us fans whose teams are consistently good. however, making it to a bowl is apparently a big thing for other teams. like Northwestern.
a lot of people think the bowl system is unfair, since the bowl schedule and system (which team gets to play which team, which bowl they play, etc.) is mostly decided by rankings. that is to say, there is a formula to which team gets to play which bowl. for example, the Outback Bowl is played between the team ranked third in the Big Ten and the team ranked third or fourth in the SEC.
people think instead of a BCS system, college football should implement a playoff system, like they do in the NFL. but then you have the issue of having a season that is ultimately way too long (that's like, four extra games if you make it to the championship) and you're dealing with students who are tryna get their degree, not professional athletes.

i personally like the bowl system. mostly because i think some of the names are funny. example: the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl, ah yes, that is a coveted one. also the Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl, such a classic.

but anyways, here we go:
the 2011-2012 season bowl schedule

via ESPN.com and my shoddy Photoshop skills

now, this looks like a whole lotta NOTHIN' so let us break it down.

the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) is made up of five bowls: the BCS Championship, the Rose Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl, the Orange Bowl and the Sugar Bowl. these are the five best games a team can play at the end of the season. let's talk about those first. and then let's only talk about the bowls that matter.

Rose Bowl: Pasadena, California, Jan. 2 
Big Ten team vs. Pac-12 team
#10 Wisconsin vs. #5 Oregon — it's gonna be a really high-scoring game. Oregon ranks third in offense and Wisconsin ranks fourth, so this game should have lots of action. Heisman finalist Montee Ball, Wisconsin's best running back, is gonna tear this shit up. which is good, because he's planning on declaring for the NFL draft this year, but only if he'll get drafted in the first or second rounds. 
pick: Wisconsin. i hate Oregon so much.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Phoenix, Arizona, Jan. 2
Big 12 team vs. anyone
#3 Oklahoma State vs. #4 Stanford — ESPN calls it a game between "two evenly matched teams." but i think OSU QB Brandon Weeden and his wide receiver Justin Blackmon can do more damage than Stanford's Andrew Luck. Stanford hasn't played the kind of teams OSU has in its regular seasons; OSU beat teams like Texas, Mizzou, Baylor, and it whomped the shit out of OU. Stanford barely played anyone worth mentioning, beating Notre Dame and Washington, but losing to Oregon. it'll be a good game, though.
pick: Oklahoma State. Big 12 yeeeee. ALSO FUCK YOU STANFORD I'M GLAD I'M AT NORTHWESTERN ANYWAYS

Allstate Sugar Bowl: New Orleans, Louisiana, Jan. 3
SEC team vs. anyone
#13 Michigan vs. #11 Virginia Tech — God, it pains me to think that Michigan had a better record than Oklahoma this season. this is basically the losers' BCS bowl this year, since Virginia Tech lost to Clemson in a blowout and Michigan lost to Michigan State and Iowa, so both teams are their conferences' "surprise" title holders. boring boring boring boring
pick: who caresss okay i'll give it to Virginia Tech


Discover Orange Bowl: Miami, Florida, Jan. 4
ACC team vs. Big East team (for this year only - the Big East rotates into which bowl it goes to. it's like the orphan child no one wanted.)
#23 West Virginia vs. #15 Clemson — DEAR GOD THIS IS GROSS. who's going to even watch this??? what kind of BCS bowl is this? West Virginia? ugh grosssssss. ok ok. here's this: it's Clemson's first Orange Bowl since 1981, interesting. this year, West Virginia lost to LSU (forgivable), Syracuse (WHAT) and Louisville (WHAT WHAT WHAT I DID NOT EVEN KNOW THEY HAD A FOOTBALL TEAM). okay srsly what is this... WORST ORANGE BOWL EVER FUCK THIS
pick: DEFINITELY CLEMSON IS THIS A JOKE


BCS National Championship: New Orleans, Louisiana, Jan. 9
BCS #1 team vs. BCS #2 team
#1 LSU vs. #2 Alabama — ugh, this again? yes, this again. when they played each other earlier in their regular season, LSU beat 'Bama 9-6 in overtime. soooo boring. people are pissed, not only because these guys already played each other, but they're in the same conference! no fair. also, LSU FANS ARE ONLY MILES AWAY FROM THIS BOWL GAME. I WONDER WHO THE MAJORITY OF THE ATTENDEES WILL BE CHEERING FOR? nothing about this game is fair. but i already said i liked the bowl system, can't take that back now. LSU is undefeated, and Alabama has lost only to LSU and has looked solid against every other opponent. yay boring championship game.
pick: LSU, derrrrr




more bowl previews and predictions to come!

and the winner is...

the Heisman Trophy is the most prestigious and historic award in college football, given (ideally) to the player who has not only put up the best stats, but shows leadership and determination in his sport.
every year, ESPN broadcasters and writers vote in to come up with a list of finalists.
from the finalists, sports journalists across the nation are chosen to vote for the winner. fans get a say, too, and their majority vote counts as one vote in the Heisman decisions.
the winner and other finalists are celebrated at an annual banquet broadcast on ESPN, which is basically the most worthless two hours of programming until the last five minutes when they announce the winner.

here's the final breakdown of votes:

this year's winner: Robert Griffin III of Baylor, junior quarterback. first player from Baylor to ever receive the Heisman.
incredible player, really. Baylor would not have been as good as they were (read: beating Oklahoma) this season without him. they went 9-3 this season after being the Big 12 doormat forever.

first runner-up: close second was Andrew Luck of Stanford, junior quarterback. was the preseason favorite for the Heisman; he hasn't been as impressive as RG3 this season, though. 

awww it's okay

third place: Trent Richardson of Alabama, junior running back. put up really awesome numbers this season.

fourth place: Montee Ball, Wisconsin junior running back. responsible for a lot of the Badgers' touchdowns this season.

fifth place: Tyrann Mathieu, sophomore cornerback for LSU. nicknamed "Honey Badger" because he don't give a shit. also possibly the cutest boy i have ever seen in my life. OH MY GOD HE'S YOUNGER THAN ME WHAT IS THIS FEELING

can i have yo numba? can i have it...?

sixth place: Matt Barkley, junior quarterback for USC, looks like he could model for Abercrombie & Fitch. not a great season for the Trojans though.

seventh place: Case Keenum (who?), SIXTH YEAR SENIOR LOL quarterback at Houston. they had a good season, but srsly, easy schedule.

eighth place: Kellen Moore, senior quarterback for Boise State, possibly my least favorite team in the NCAA.

also the King of the Overbite.

lol ew

and now for some photos of random douchebags doing the Heisman pose:

what is going on in this? you're in a lab coat, there is a lawn mower behind you...

first of all, quite possibly the ugliest child i have ever seen. secondly, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO YOUR BABY

yeah no, i don't even know

cool pants, brew. also your baby is not a toy

why is this a trend and TIM TEBOW I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH YOU WOULD BE WEARING CROCS YOU IDIOT

and finally, some inspiration for me to work out this break:

dumb bitch. go die.