#13 virginia tech hokies

colors: Chicago maroon and yellow
conference: ACC - Coastal
mascot: Hokie Bird, also known as Gobbler. but that sounds disgustingly sexual so Hokie Bird it is.

cannot dance

coach: Frank Beamer, 24th year! has a 198-94-2 record at VTech. that's the second most wins in college football history, right after JoePa. 
here's a nice, normal picture of Coach Beamer in his habitat:

but i prefer this one:

MERRRRHHHH

quarterback: #3 sophomore Logan Thomas. played back-up to Tyrod Taylor, now a Baltimore Raven, last season. has been compared to the adorable Cam Newton because they're similar in size. people are jizzing in their pants about how good he's going to be. 
hottie index: 6/10, but i'd consider bumping it up to 7 if he shaved his pube goatee. so someone tell him he needs to do that, since clearly a lot is riding on this.

off with the beard thingy

the low-down: here's the thing. they played in the Orange Bowl last season, in which they lost to Stanford, because Stanford is perfect at everything and hence why they rejected my application a few years ago but hey whatevs fuck you guys. they only lost two games in the regular season, but get this - one of them teams was James fucking Madison, which is a SUBDIVISION TEAM WHAT A JOKE. this year, they're losing an amazing quarterback to the NFL, but like we talked about, people are excited about Logan Thomas. it's a good season to break him in, since this season's schedule is easy as fucking beans. this is how the Hokies start their season: Appalachian State, East Carolina, Arkansas State, Marshall. all lolzable and may or may not be actual football teams. literally NO TEAM ON THEIR SCHEDULE looks even close to daunting. perhaps that's why they're ranked so low - a good record won't necessarily translate to a BCS bowl again. this season will be a joke but happy and full of wins for Hokies fans.
first game: Appalachian State at home. God, the Hokies better win this or it will be a repeat of this, and Appalachian State is way too much of a joke to be able to have those kinds of bragging rights.