#9 texas a&m aggies

SO HERE'S THE DEAL WITH TEXAS A&M. they want to leave the Big 12 conference, which is unthinkable. last week these fuckers asked for a list of withdrawal procedures from the Big 12, which they received literally hours ago. according to the bylaws, A&M would have to give 90 percent of its earnings from last season and this season to the conference - that's about $28 million, although Nebraska made a deal with them when they peaced out and only had to give up $9.255 mil. well fuck you guys, just leave.

colors: maroon and white - okay, i'm sick of this now.

conference: Big 12 for now. they'll be in the SEC soon enough. FINE. JUST GO. YOU HEARD ME, GO ON! GET!

mascot: Reveille, who is an absolutely gorgeous purebred collie and the cutest mascot on our list yet (no, seriously, take a look - the rest are awful). apparently the very first Reveille was a mutt adopted by students in 1931. Reveille II was a Shetland Sheepdog, a gift from a grad student. Rev the Third was the first collie, and now we're at eight.

AWESOME FACT: freshmen cadets must address this mascot WHO IS A DOG with "Miss Rev, ma'am" since Reveille was designated a Cadet General by the U.S. Army (to thank Texas A&M for its help during World War II). only in America... this effing wonderful country.

HI YOU ARE JUST SO CUTE AREN'T YOU

coach: Mike Sherman, fifth year. former coach of the Green Bay Packers (hi, kat!) from 2000-2005. his first two seasons at A&M were losing seasons, but turned the program around recently.

nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea
YAY PEPTO BISMOL

quarterback: #11 senior Ryan Tannehill. played wide receiver as a freshman and sophomore, then switched to quarterback halfway through his junior year. interesting. last year, he and Jerrod Johnson split their time as starter quarterback, something i've actually never heard of before and didn't know was a thing. is apparently pretty smart (All-Big 12 Academic Honors for the last three seasons, but it's the Big 12, so that's like what, a 2.0 GPA? just kidding, it's a 3.2, i'm such a bitch). is getting married in January 2012.

hottie index: 5/10... sorry, future Mrs. Tannehill.

plans to be an orthopedic surgeon,
so probably shouldn't be doing anything that would damage his hands
SUCH AS PLAYING FOOTBALL

the low-down: okay, so they beat the Sooners last season, whatfuckingever. they ended up losing to LSU in the Cotton Bowl. also, when the fuck did the Aggies decide to be good at football? up until a few seasons ago everyone made fun of them because their marching band (which is baller-ass, real talk) was more impressive than their football team. fun random fact: they played in the 2001 Galleryfurniture.com Bowl (now named the more classy "Houston Bowl"). anyways. Coach Mike Sherman is making the team much more offense-oriented, and it's turning out well for the Aggies. the team is returning a whopping 18 starters, so there's not much to worry about. they won't beat the Sooners again, though. of course, since they won't be escaping the Big 12 this season (hopefully), they've got a tough schedule to deal with: Arkansas, maybe Texas Tech or Baylor, Missouri, Oklahoma, and Texas. maybe you guys should just leave... 

first game: Southern Methodist University at home. i think i can stop predicting these.